Good morning, everyone!
Today is the day when I divulge all of your deepest, darkest secrets. Well, those of you who sent them to me. It's the Most Embarrassing Moment Contest! Yay, wahoo, hurray!
I just have to say, thank you for sending them in! My sides hurt from laughing so hard while reading these and I almost wet my pants a few times! Before we get started, there are a few matters to go over:
1. The stories may have been edited for length and/or clarity. I tried to preserve the integrity of the stories the best I could, but I couldn't preserve the dignity. There wasn't any.
2. I figured, since I asked you all to share yours, I better share one of mine.
I like to keep my embarrassing moments current, but this one happened when I was the tender age of sixteen. My friend and I were celebrating her birthday with her mom by going to Olive Garden and then hanging out at the mall after. I was especially boy crazy growing up, and my friend and I saw this guy with his dad at one of the cell phone booths. He was a total hottie, in a Peter Pan sort of way. I mentioned to my friend's mom that we thought he was really cute, and then walked into Victoria's Secret. My friend's mom has no fear (an admirable trait, really) and I noticed she wasn't following us into the store. Then it hit me. I had just made a huge mistake.
I screamed at my friend, "SHE'S TELLING HIM! HIIIIIDE!" We dove behind a display table and prayed that she wouldn't find us. Then we hear this voice, "Oh giiiirls! I have someone who wants to meet you! Oh! There they are! You girls are so silly! Come out!" And she had brought Peter Pan Hottie into Victoria's Secret (with his dad and his little sister) to meet us. We stood up, and realized we were hiding behind the table that was displaying all of the frilly undies and thongs and were now all congregated around it. "Well, these girls just thought that you were really cute and they'd love to exchange phone numbers and get a picture with you!" I shriveled up inside. As we took a picture with Peter Pan Hottie by the thong table, I profusely apologized, through clenched, smiling teeth, to him for the events which had just unfolded before us. We parted ways, and a part of me died that day.
Just kidding. I'm fine. But it was still super embarrassing.
And now, here are the wonderful and awful embarrassing stories you all sent me! They are in no particular order. I loved them all. Anyway. Shall we get started?
1. When I was in college I worked in this office with a bunch of people. There was this boy who would sit by me every single day, he would always go on break at the same time as me, and he would talk to me and no one else. Clearly, he liked me. I waited and waited but he would never ask me out! So my roommate told me to just be bold and give him my number. So one day I wrote my number on a piece of paper, gave it to him and said, "this is just in case you wanted it."... and then ran away. But that night, he didn't text me. He never called. The next day he wasn't at work. The whole next WEEK he wasn't at work. Finally I asked a manager what happened to him. Did he quit because of me? She said, "Oh him? He got married on Saturday." He got married the day after I gave him my number. No wonder he didn't call.
2. A week or so after I had my baby, we went to dinner with some friends to celebrate another passed test. I decided to drive home and I was feeling a bit of gas, but soon realized it wasn't gas. We were 10 minutes from home when I felt like I was hit with a bomb. I have never had to poop so bad in my whole life. It was the kind of intensity you feel when you aren't able to sit down because it's so bad. We stopped at a light and did a Chinese fire drill so I could focus on my bodily functions that were starting to fail me. I told my husband that I didn't think I was going to make it and he started yelling "CLENCH! CLENCH!"
I could see our apartment, we were SO CLOSE! We were both dying of laughter at this point, and then it started. I now know what a baby feels like when they have a blowout. It was everywhere. I have a ruined sweater to prove it. Then I had to figure out how to get out of the car, up my stairs, into our apartment, and into the bathroom without making a mess... and mostly without being seen. I have never laughed so hard or felt so mortified in my entire life. Let's just say having a baby changes your life.
3. When I was 12 years old my dad's girlfriend took my older sister and I to the tanning salon. I had never gone before and was very nervous. After we checked in and paid, I got into my room, noticed the timer counting down to when the bed would turn on, and began to undress. It was once I'd removed my clothing that I had the sudden and urgent need to pee, but by that point I only had 30 seconds before the bed would turn on and I was nude all but my undies so I decided to hold it and hope for the best.
I laid in the bed in complete discomfort and fear (not only of peeing, but tanning beds are just kind of terrifying) for my 12 minute bake. Just as the lights turned off and I attempted to right myself the dam broke and my bladder found the relief it'd longed for.
Shock and horror!! I didn't know what to do! I used the small hand towel provided to halfway mop up the mess, but there wasn't any place to dispose of my underwear except the garbage can.
After doing the best I could (which was a pathetic attempt at anything) I dressed quickly and went to the restroom to clean myself up a bit more. It was agony to wait for my sister and dad's girlfriend to finish (I chose to bake the least amount of time they would allow). I kept praying that the girl behind the counter wouldn't head to clean up the bed before they'd finished and we had left.
4. When I was at the peak of my self-confidence and positive body image, (just kidding it was 9th grade), I campaigned to be in student government. After my speech in front of the entire student body, it was time to show my campaign video. Now at this point my family only had a VHS recorder and my video was recorded via VHS tape, which had family videos on it. Instead of showing my campaign video, I had to watch in horror as the entire student body saw me on Christmas morning. Sleepy, no bra, no makeup, braces, bed hair, the works. And the tech team didn't stop it for like 3 mins! Administration thought this was my video and I remember the murmur of the crowd as the entire student body snickered at my Christmas morning with my family. Eventually they got my actual video playing but I wanted to just disappear!! Ugh. I'm glad VHS tapes are dead.
Today is the day when I divulge all of your deepest, darkest secrets. Well, those of you who sent them to me. It's the Most Embarrassing Moment Contest! Yay, wahoo, hurray!
I just have to say, thank you for sending them in! My sides hurt from laughing so hard while reading these and I almost wet my pants a few times! Before we get started, there are a few matters to go over:
1. The stories may have been edited for length and/or clarity. I tried to preserve the integrity of the stories the best I could, but I couldn't preserve the dignity. There wasn't any.
2. I figured, since I asked you all to share yours, I better share one of mine.
I like to keep my embarrassing moments current, but this one happened when I was the tender age of sixteen. My friend and I were celebrating her birthday with her mom by going to Olive Garden and then hanging out at the mall after. I was especially boy crazy growing up, and my friend and I saw this guy with his dad at one of the cell phone booths. He was a total hottie, in a Peter Pan sort of way. I mentioned to my friend's mom that we thought he was really cute, and then walked into Victoria's Secret. My friend's mom has no fear (an admirable trait, really) and I noticed she wasn't following us into the store. Then it hit me. I had just made a huge mistake.
I screamed at my friend, "SHE'S TELLING HIM! HIIIIIDE!" We dove behind a display table and prayed that she wouldn't find us. Then we hear this voice, "Oh giiiirls! I have someone who wants to meet you! Oh! There they are! You girls are so silly! Come out!" And she had brought Peter Pan Hottie into Victoria's Secret (with his dad and his little sister) to meet us. We stood up, and realized we were hiding behind the table that was displaying all of the frilly undies and thongs and were now all congregated around it. "Well, these girls just thought that you were really cute and they'd love to exchange phone numbers and get a picture with you!" I shriveled up inside. As we took a picture with Peter Pan Hottie by the thong table, I profusely apologized, through clenched, smiling teeth, to him for the events which had just unfolded before us. We parted ways, and a part of me died that day.
Just kidding. I'm fine. But it was still super embarrassing.
And now, here are the wonderful and awful embarrassing stories you all sent me! They are in no particular order. I loved them all. Anyway. Shall we get started?
1. When I was in college I worked in this office with a bunch of people. There was this boy who would sit by me every single day, he would always go on break at the same time as me, and he would talk to me and no one else. Clearly, he liked me. I waited and waited but he would never ask me out! So my roommate told me to just be bold and give him my number. So one day I wrote my number on a piece of paper, gave it to him and said, "this is just in case you wanted it."... and then ran away. But that night, he didn't text me. He never called. The next day he wasn't at work. The whole next WEEK he wasn't at work. Finally I asked a manager what happened to him. Did he quit because of me? She said, "Oh him? He got married on Saturday." He got married the day after I gave him my number. No wonder he didn't call.
2. A week or so after I had my baby, we went to dinner with some friends to celebrate another passed test. I decided to drive home and I was feeling a bit of gas, but soon realized it wasn't gas. We were 10 minutes from home when I felt like I was hit with a bomb. I have never had to poop so bad in my whole life. It was the kind of intensity you feel when you aren't able to sit down because it's so bad. We stopped at a light and did a Chinese fire drill so I could focus on my bodily functions that were starting to fail me. I told my husband that I didn't think I was going to make it and he started yelling "CLENCH! CLENCH!"
I could see our apartment, we were SO CLOSE! We were both dying of laughter at this point, and then it started. I now know what a baby feels like when they have a blowout. It was everywhere. I have a ruined sweater to prove it. Then I had to figure out how to get out of the car, up my stairs, into our apartment, and into the bathroom without making a mess... and mostly without being seen. I have never laughed so hard or felt so mortified in my entire life. Let's just say having a baby changes your life.
3. When I was 12 years old my dad's girlfriend took my older sister and I to the tanning salon. I had never gone before and was very nervous. After we checked in and paid, I got into my room, noticed the timer counting down to when the bed would turn on, and began to undress. It was once I'd removed my clothing that I had the sudden and urgent need to pee, but by that point I only had 30 seconds before the bed would turn on and I was nude all but my undies so I decided to hold it and hope for the best.
I laid in the bed in complete discomfort and fear (not only of peeing, but tanning beds are just kind of terrifying) for my 12 minute bake. Just as the lights turned off and I attempted to right myself the dam broke and my bladder found the relief it'd longed for.
Shock and horror!! I didn't know what to do! I used the small hand towel provided to halfway mop up the mess, but there wasn't any place to dispose of my underwear except the garbage can.
After doing the best I could (which was a pathetic attempt at anything) I dressed quickly and went to the restroom to clean myself up a bit more. It was agony to wait for my sister and dad's girlfriend to finish (I chose to bake the least amount of time they would allow). I kept praying that the girl behind the counter wouldn't head to clean up the bed before they'd finished and we had left.
4. When I was at the peak of my self-confidence and positive body image, (just kidding it was 9th grade), I campaigned to be in student government. After my speech in front of the entire student body, it was time to show my campaign video. Now at this point my family only had a VHS recorder and my video was recorded via VHS tape, which had family videos on it. Instead of showing my campaign video, I had to watch in horror as the entire student body saw me on Christmas morning. Sleepy, no bra, no makeup, braces, bed hair, the works. And the tech team didn't stop it for like 3 mins! Administration thought this was my video and I remember the murmur of the crowd as the entire student body snickered at my Christmas morning with my family. Eventually they got my actual video playing but I wanted to just disappear!! Ugh. I'm glad VHS tapes are dead.
5. One afternoon at work I went to ask our receptionist a question. She looked at me, looked behind me, got all shifty-eyed and said, "Hey, take a step forward." It was a weird thing to say, and I realized that a step forward would put me in view of another coworker's desk. I of course became suspicious of why she wanted another coworker to look at me, so I began searching myself for abnormalities. Fly up? Check. Shirt buttoned up? Check. Hair looking good? Check. Three feet of toilet paper hanging from the back of my jeans? AHHHHHHHHHHHHCRAP.
Tearing the evidence frantically from my waistband and unable to stifle the small, helpless scream of a man whose life had ended, I staggered to my desk and collapsed as gracefully as possible into my chair. Racking my brain: when had I left the bathroom? It felt like hours. Please no. I tried playing it cool and pretending I didn't exist. But it was too late. The echoes of laughter from all around the office revealed thay my proud white train, my gallant cape, my waving tail had followed me around for who-knows-how-long, and that my professional life was now over. And that's the story of why we moved 2000 miles away from home.
6. Once upon a time it was a cold, snowy, busy night with many assignments due and family matters to attend to. My husband of two years dropped me off at a computer lab to print off some papers for my program and planned to circle back in 5 minutes to pick me up. When I stepped out of the car and watched him pull away I already knew my bladder and I were in trouble. But I pressed on, naively. I went from the cold outside to the warm computer lab. . . And then I realized I was very wrong about being able to hold it. I was unfamiliar with the layout of this computer building and the frenzy in searching for a toilet made my need to go even more amplified. Finally I saw it, sprinted to the end of the hall, got in the door, got in the stall. . . And couldn't get my pants off. So I sat on the toilet seat, still in my jeans.
About 10 minutes passed of me trying to soak up what I could with toilet paper and paper towels, I emerged realizing that I still need to print stuff off and make it home without anyone realizing what I'd done. So I tied my jacket around my waist to hide my shame as best I could. I returned to my computer, didn't sit down, printed, thanked the lab attendant and waddled (kinda) out to the cold outside. I slipped in the car and said nothing. When I arrived home I gave a lame excuse of being cold so I was going to shower really quick and disappeared into the bathroom to finish washing the stench of urine and confusion about how my body betrayed me off of me. I didn't tell my hubby till the week later when I decided I was slightly less embarrassed and ready to laugh about it together.
7. January 11, 2012 is engraved in my mind forever as the worst day ever. I had decided to go to the High School Wrestling match, because, what high school girl didn't want to go see sweaty boys show off their muscles?! I definitely did, so I went with my right hand man, my Dad (don't judge). I sat in the student section and he sat in the "oldies" section. Halfway through the wrestling match, I realized it was time to go to Mutual for glow in the dark volleyball, so I began the descent down the bleachers and right on THE VERY LAST STEP, my feet decided they forgot how to walk. I remember thinking "Hm, this gym floor doesn't taste very good. Wait, where am I?!" Then I realized that I had made a face plant into the gym floor.
My fall had been so loud and remarkable that the refs had stopped the matches and everyone was looking at me. I smoothed my hair, acted like I had meant to do that, and began to walk out. I realized that my ankle hurt a little but I brushed it off until I was alone in the hallway. Then, the pain hit and I could barely walk! I finally made it to my truck where I passed out on the front seat the pain was so bad. I putted home in my stick shift truck at 10 mph where I then bawled for my mommy. Now, you're all probably thinking, 'couldn't her dad have helped her?' Why, yes, he could have. But apparently he's the only person in that whole gym who didn't see my fall. My dad was very confused when my mom called to tell him I'd been hurt at the wrestling match and came home without him).
We went to the ER, got several X-rays and an MRI, and they concluded that I had torn all of the ligaments in my foot and bruised my bone. I was in a walking boot for a month, had the most painful surgery, and couldn't put weight on it for another 2 months. My dance career was over and my mother had to drive me around for the rest of my senior year, but the worst part was that a few years later, another girl in high school did the exact same thing that I did and everyone's immediate response was: "Oh, so you pulled a Jackie*." At least I'm famous for something.
*Name has been changed
8. My freshman year of college I was hanging out with this guy I liked. We will call him Larry. We were at my apartment and we were watching a movie with my roommates and we were kind of spooning on the floor. I was the little spoon and we had a blanket on top of us. The blanket was a little lumpy and Larry couldn't see over it. So he patted it down. A few minutes later he started patting it again. He still couldn't see over the lumps so he tries once more. Only this time he realizes that he has been patting down my bosom... he quickly said, "oh sorry!" and we tried to ignore it. Well, my roommate was sitting behind us and saw THE WHOLE thing. She started bursting out laughing. There was no pretending that it didn't happen anymore.
9. I was about five months pregnant when we went to a new year party with ALL of my husband's family (aunts, uncles, cousins, ect.) I picked up my two-year-old to go down the stairs but I slipped and fell down all of the stairs on my butt. If that wasn’t bad enough, during the fall I full on PEED my pants (dang pregnancy). My first thought was, 'is two-year-old okay?', second thought was, 'what is the quickest route to a bathroom and can I avoid everyone?'
So, I set out on my task, I turned the corner, where EVERYONE was sitting playing a game. Everyone there started asking me if I was okay. I tried my best to slip out of the situation without showing my backside, but I am sure everyone knew.
10. There I was, ten years old, grocery shopping with my mom and little sister. My sister had to go to the bathroom, which was up a flight of stairs, and my mom asked me to go with her. I begrudgingly went. As I waited for her to finish, I quietly ran down the stairs and turned the corner to wait so that I could jump out and scare her. A few minutes passed. Footsteps! I heard footsteps coming down! I crouched and held my breath, ready to pounce. I saw her silhouette start to peel around the corner. This was my chance! I jumped out and screamed a deafening "RAWR!" It was not my sister.
An extremely unfortunate teenage grocery store employee was the culprit. As if acne and unexpected voice changes were not enough, this poor guy had just become a 10 year old girl's prank victim. He jumped higher than anyone I have ever seen. A sound similar to that of a dying dog yelped from his every pore. He momentarily crumpled to the ground, completely paralyzed by what had just happened. Immediately, he composed himself and walked briskly away before I could even mutter a horrified, "I'm so sorry!" He never looked back. My mom stood watching the entire thing. I have never wanted to get out of a store so quickly in my life! And I have never lived it down.
Later on, it turns out that I married the worker. ....totally kidding! But I got you for a second there, right? He probably vowed to never see me again! Luckily I don't think we have ever crossed paths. Phew.
11. I once was at a family party and it was taking a while to get started. After a couple hours I was hangry because we hadn't eaten yet and insanely thirsty because the only drinks offered were beer for the adults and CapriSun for the little kids. My husband and I don't drink and I didn't want to appear to be juvenile or stealing from children, so I waited until the coast was clear and I headed for the kitchen. I quickly rummaged through the kitchen pantry, scored some graham crackers, got myself a glass of water, then I immediately ran and hid in the bathroom and started stuffing my face with graham crackers.
12. Before his senior year of high school, my husband moved to Mexico with his family. He had been taking German in high school and didn't know a single lick of Spanish. After living there for a few months and getting to know lots of friends he picked up on a few phrases of simple Spanish so he could get by. One day, whilst hanging out with his new friends he totally accidentally let one rip in front of everyone. It was loud, and there was no doubt that everyone had heard it. Feeling really embarrassed, he went to say "excuse me" in the only way that sounded right to him. He quickly said, "escucha me"! Which in Spanish means "listen to me!" All of his Mexican friends started doubling over in laughter! They couldn't believe how perfect his mistake with the language was!
13. In high school I drove a 1994 Ford Explorer. My senior year I had a reserved, customized parking spot. I would drive my brother to the middle school which was on the same property. He was in 9th grade but wasn't driving because he has cerebral palsy. He did have an extra key to my car just in case. One day I walked to my car in between classes and IT. WAS. GONE. I lost it. I called my mom sobbing, she said to check with my brother and make sure he hadn't lost his key to my car and had it stolen that way. I literally burst into his 9th grade LDS seminary class, this totally discombobulated, sobbing senior and exclaimed that my car had been stolen. He made a scene by dumping out his bag and said he lost his key. I leave again in a weeping mess to go get the campus officer and hear my name. The seminary teacher and my brother followed me out and told me to walk to the baseball diamond and take a minute to calm down. MY CAR WAS PARKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BASEBALL DIAMOND. My brother had the seminary teacher move it as a joke because it was-- wait for it--April Fools Day! I was fooled. I had displayed every human emotion that an 18 year old girl was capable of. For those I encountered that day, I have never lived that moment down.
14. My most embarrassing moment is definitely when I went to my then-fiance's parents' cabin while we were engaged. After being there a couple days I begged my fiance to take me to the store so I could use the bathroom (I was so freaked about using a toilet that wasn't my own to go #2). He convinced me that was silly. Turns out my concern was legit. I flooded the toilet, the water not only flooded out of the toilet, but also onto the bathroom floor, and also OUT of the bathroom into the hallway. However, my fiance (now husband) is the best and kindly took the blame, and also cleaned it all up. I ran in the other room and acted like I had no clue what happened. He's the best.
15. One of my good friends was on a date in high school with a girl he had a crush on. He took her to the movie theater and when the show started, he realized his zipper was wide open! He awkwardly tried to cross his legs and rest his hand over the hole so his date wouldn't see. He also couldn't enjoy the movie because he was panicking his date would notice him zipping up his pants and that would be the end of him! So, he formulated a plan that as soon as the movie was over, he would stand up quickly, turn to the side, and zip up his pants in one swift, discrete motion. Finally, when them movie was over, he did just that, but he instantly heard a terrible scream coming from a woman nearby. He looked down and realized he had zipped his pants right into the hair of the lady in front of him!! Luckily, his date laughed and laughed, but the agony of having to pull that lady's hair out of the crotch of his jeans still haunts him to this day!
And, the grand prize winner is:
This is actually a true story, I hope we can still be friends!
I went to Denny’s with a few friends my sophomore year of college. We had fun hanging out and eating but then the trouble began. I was drinking hot chocolate when someone said something funny so I started laughing exactly when I was trying to swallow the hot chocolate. I started choking and laughing and trying to breathe when the burning hot chocolate started coming out of my nose. By then I was coughing so hard that I started throwing up on the table. At this point I was just a mess, coughing and trying to breathe while throwing up in a public restaurant. Then I literally just lost control of all my bodily functions and let out a huge burp while at the same time farting. This led to a little more throw up, another burp, and a lot of gasping for air. In this process I lost my shoe under the table so when I was finally in control enough to run to the bathroom I was only wearing one shoe. Somehow I was lucky enough that the people with me stayed my friends and continued to be seen in public with me.
Congratulations on your shameful behavior, you have won a prize!
Thanks again everyone for your submissions! You people have made the world a more hilarious place. Also, don't forget to stop by the blog every Tuesday to read a new post and be on the lookout for future contests! Have a lovely day!
See ya on the flip-flop,
Melissa
Tearing the evidence frantically from my waistband and unable to stifle the small, helpless scream of a man whose life had ended, I staggered to my desk and collapsed as gracefully as possible into my chair. Racking my brain: when had I left the bathroom? It felt like hours. Please no. I tried playing it cool and pretending I didn't exist. But it was too late. The echoes of laughter from all around the office revealed thay my proud white train, my gallant cape, my waving tail had followed me around for who-knows-how-long, and that my professional life was now over. And that's the story of why we moved 2000 miles away from home.
6. Once upon a time it was a cold, snowy, busy night with many assignments due and family matters to attend to. My husband of two years dropped me off at a computer lab to print off some papers for my program and planned to circle back in 5 minutes to pick me up. When I stepped out of the car and watched him pull away I already knew my bladder and I were in trouble. But I pressed on, naively. I went from the cold outside to the warm computer lab. . . And then I realized I was very wrong about being able to hold it. I was unfamiliar with the layout of this computer building and the frenzy in searching for a toilet made my need to go even more amplified. Finally I saw it, sprinted to the end of the hall, got in the door, got in the stall. . . And couldn't get my pants off. So I sat on the toilet seat, still in my jeans.
About 10 minutes passed of me trying to soak up what I could with toilet paper and paper towels, I emerged realizing that I still need to print stuff off and make it home without anyone realizing what I'd done. So I tied my jacket around my waist to hide my shame as best I could. I returned to my computer, didn't sit down, printed, thanked the lab attendant and waddled (kinda) out to the cold outside. I slipped in the car and said nothing. When I arrived home I gave a lame excuse of being cold so I was going to shower really quick and disappeared into the bathroom to finish washing the stench of urine and confusion about how my body betrayed me off of me. I didn't tell my hubby till the week later when I decided I was slightly less embarrassed and ready to laugh about it together.
7. January 11, 2012 is engraved in my mind forever as the worst day ever. I had decided to go to the High School Wrestling match, because, what high school girl didn't want to go see sweaty boys show off their muscles?! I definitely did, so I went with my right hand man, my Dad (don't judge). I sat in the student section and he sat in the "oldies" section. Halfway through the wrestling match, I realized it was time to go to Mutual for glow in the dark volleyball, so I began the descent down the bleachers and right on THE VERY LAST STEP, my feet decided they forgot how to walk. I remember thinking "Hm, this gym floor doesn't taste very good. Wait, where am I?!" Then I realized that I had made a face plant into the gym floor.
My fall had been so loud and remarkable that the refs had stopped the matches and everyone was looking at me. I smoothed my hair, acted like I had meant to do that, and began to walk out. I realized that my ankle hurt a little but I brushed it off until I was alone in the hallway. Then, the pain hit and I could barely walk! I finally made it to my truck where I passed out on the front seat the pain was so bad. I putted home in my stick shift truck at 10 mph where I then bawled for my mommy. Now, you're all probably thinking, 'couldn't her dad have helped her?' Why, yes, he could have. But apparently he's the only person in that whole gym who didn't see my fall. My dad was very confused when my mom called to tell him I'd been hurt at the wrestling match and came home without him).
We went to the ER, got several X-rays and an MRI, and they concluded that I had torn all of the ligaments in my foot and bruised my bone. I was in a walking boot for a month, had the most painful surgery, and couldn't put weight on it for another 2 months. My dance career was over and my mother had to drive me around for the rest of my senior year, but the worst part was that a few years later, another girl in high school did the exact same thing that I did and everyone's immediate response was: "Oh, so you pulled a Jackie*." At least I'm famous for something.
*Name has been changed
8. My freshman year of college I was hanging out with this guy I liked. We will call him Larry. We were at my apartment and we were watching a movie with my roommates and we were kind of spooning on the floor. I was the little spoon and we had a blanket on top of us. The blanket was a little lumpy and Larry couldn't see over it. So he patted it down. A few minutes later he started patting it again. He still couldn't see over the lumps so he tries once more. Only this time he realizes that he has been patting down my bosom... he quickly said, "oh sorry!" and we tried to ignore it. Well, my roommate was sitting behind us and saw THE WHOLE thing. She started bursting out laughing. There was no pretending that it didn't happen anymore.
9. I was about five months pregnant when we went to a new year party with ALL of my husband's family (aunts, uncles, cousins, ect.) I picked up my two-year-old to go down the stairs but I slipped and fell down all of the stairs on my butt. If that wasn’t bad enough, during the fall I full on PEED my pants (dang pregnancy). My first thought was, 'is two-year-old okay?', second thought was, 'what is the quickest route to a bathroom and can I avoid everyone?'
So, I set out on my task, I turned the corner, where EVERYONE was sitting playing a game. Everyone there started asking me if I was okay. I tried my best to slip out of the situation without showing my backside, but I am sure everyone knew.
10. There I was, ten years old, grocery shopping with my mom and little sister. My sister had to go to the bathroom, which was up a flight of stairs, and my mom asked me to go with her. I begrudgingly went. As I waited for her to finish, I quietly ran down the stairs and turned the corner to wait so that I could jump out and scare her. A few minutes passed. Footsteps! I heard footsteps coming down! I crouched and held my breath, ready to pounce. I saw her silhouette start to peel around the corner. This was my chance! I jumped out and screamed a deafening "RAWR!" It was not my sister.
An extremely unfortunate teenage grocery store employee was the culprit. As if acne and unexpected voice changes were not enough, this poor guy had just become a 10 year old girl's prank victim. He jumped higher than anyone I have ever seen. A sound similar to that of a dying dog yelped from his every pore. He momentarily crumpled to the ground, completely paralyzed by what had just happened. Immediately, he composed himself and walked briskly away before I could even mutter a horrified, "I'm so sorry!" He never looked back. My mom stood watching the entire thing. I have never wanted to get out of a store so quickly in my life! And I have never lived it down.
Later on, it turns out that I married the worker. ....totally kidding! But I got you for a second there, right? He probably vowed to never see me again! Luckily I don't think we have ever crossed paths. Phew.
11. I once was at a family party and it was taking a while to get started. After a couple hours I was hangry because we hadn't eaten yet and insanely thirsty because the only drinks offered were beer for the adults and CapriSun for the little kids. My husband and I don't drink and I didn't want to appear to be juvenile or stealing from children, so I waited until the coast was clear and I headed for the kitchen. I quickly rummaged through the kitchen pantry, scored some graham crackers, got myself a glass of water, then I immediately ran and hid in the bathroom and started stuffing my face with graham crackers.
All of a sudden, I heard someone near the bathroom. I panicked. I could come out of the bathroom without feeling too weird, but I sure as heck would feel uncomfortable coming out holding a box of graham crackers. I tried to open the drawer under the bathroom sink to hide the graham cracker box only to find that it was a fake drawer for decoration and I had ripped the face off. I tried to shove it back on but it didn't go on and I dropped it. It made a huge crash and my cousin's husband shouted, "Are you okay in there?" I shouted back, "Yeeeaahhh." Then I heard crunching. I had accidentally dropped a graham cracker and stepped on it. The bathroom had a textured cement floor and while trying to clean up as much graham cracker dust as I possibly could with my hands I was also sending "SOS" texts to my husband from my hiding place. He finally came to my rescue.
By the time we had left the bathroom he had fixed the drawer face, and we had hidden the box of graham crackers behind the garbage can until we could safely transport them back into the kitchen an hour later. I had been so stressed out and panicked the whole time, but in the end, everyone was drunk and oblivious so it was as if nothing had happened.12. Before his senior year of high school, my husband moved to Mexico with his family. He had been taking German in high school and didn't know a single lick of Spanish. After living there for a few months and getting to know lots of friends he picked up on a few phrases of simple Spanish so he could get by. One day, whilst hanging out with his new friends he totally accidentally let one rip in front of everyone. It was loud, and there was no doubt that everyone had heard it. Feeling really embarrassed, he went to say "excuse me" in the only way that sounded right to him. He quickly said, "escucha me"! Which in Spanish means "listen to me!" All of his Mexican friends started doubling over in laughter! They couldn't believe how perfect his mistake with the language was!
13. In high school I drove a 1994 Ford Explorer. My senior year I had a reserved, customized parking spot. I would drive my brother to the middle school which was on the same property. He was in 9th grade but wasn't driving because he has cerebral palsy. He did have an extra key to my car just in case. One day I walked to my car in between classes and IT. WAS. GONE. I lost it. I called my mom sobbing, she said to check with my brother and make sure he hadn't lost his key to my car and had it stolen that way. I literally burst into his 9th grade LDS seminary class, this totally discombobulated, sobbing senior and exclaimed that my car had been stolen. He made a scene by dumping out his bag and said he lost his key. I leave again in a weeping mess to go get the campus officer and hear my name. The seminary teacher and my brother followed me out and told me to walk to the baseball diamond and take a minute to calm down. MY CAR WAS PARKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BASEBALL DIAMOND. My brother had the seminary teacher move it as a joke because it was-- wait for it--April Fools Day! I was fooled. I had displayed every human emotion that an 18 year old girl was capable of. For those I encountered that day, I have never lived that moment down.
14. My most embarrassing moment is definitely when I went to my then-fiance's parents' cabin while we were engaged. After being there a couple days I begged my fiance to take me to the store so I could use the bathroom (I was so freaked about using a toilet that wasn't my own to go #2). He convinced me that was silly. Turns out my concern was legit. I flooded the toilet, the water not only flooded out of the toilet, but also onto the bathroom floor, and also OUT of the bathroom into the hallway. However, my fiance (now husband) is the best and kindly took the blame, and also cleaned it all up. I ran in the other room and acted like I had no clue what happened. He's the best.
15. One of my good friends was on a date in high school with a girl he had a crush on. He took her to the movie theater and when the show started, he realized his zipper was wide open! He awkwardly tried to cross his legs and rest his hand over the hole so his date wouldn't see. He also couldn't enjoy the movie because he was panicking his date would notice him zipping up his pants and that would be the end of him! So, he formulated a plan that as soon as the movie was over, he would stand up quickly, turn to the side, and zip up his pants in one swift, discrete motion. Finally, when them movie was over, he did just that, but he instantly heard a terrible scream coming from a woman nearby. He looked down and realized he had zipped his pants right into the hair of the lady in front of him!! Luckily, his date laughed and laughed, but the agony of having to pull that lady's hair out of the crotch of his jeans still haunts him to this day!
And, the grand prize winner is:
This is actually a true story, I hope we can still be friends!
I went to Denny’s with a few friends my sophomore year of college. We had fun hanging out and eating but then the trouble began. I was drinking hot chocolate when someone said something funny so I started laughing exactly when I was trying to swallow the hot chocolate. I started choking and laughing and trying to breathe when the burning hot chocolate started coming out of my nose. By then I was coughing so hard that I started throwing up on the table. At this point I was just a mess, coughing and trying to breathe while throwing up in a public restaurant. Then I literally just lost control of all my bodily functions and let out a huge burp while at the same time farting. This led to a little more throw up, another burp, and a lot of gasping for air. In this process I lost my shoe under the table so when I was finally in control enough to run to the bathroom I was only wearing one shoe. Somehow I was lucky enough that the people with me stayed my friends and continued to be seen in public with me.
Congratulations on your shameful behavior, you have won a prize!
Thanks again everyone for your submissions! You people have made the world a more hilarious place. Also, don't forget to stop by the blog every Tuesday to read a new post and be on the lookout for future contests! Have a lovely day!
See ya on the flip-flop,
Melissa
The movie theatre one tho. Had me crying lol
ReplyDeleteOh man, these are gems. Reading the first one reminded me of another of my more embarrassing stories.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine vomiting all over a Denny's table. The poor dear!
So funny!!! That Denny's one had me crying. I kind of skipped directly to the numbered list at first and thought they were all yours for a minute... I was getting concerned for your bodily functions haha.
ReplyDelete